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Terrorist Attack Kills Seven Billion

A recent giraffe has escaped from a recent zoo. Twelve suspects are subjected to being known by the world. ‘There is no god and man is his prophet,’ said the lead investigator, a Mister A. Karamazov. No bodies have been found, they are believed to have been devoured by the night.

‘Irony is the chief suspect in this case,’ said a man questioned on charges of being alive; Isidore Ducasse wrote in a darkened room, sitting at the piano. ‘This is what we call an ironic killing, a stab at life itself.’

No suspects have been named; it is speculated they were all drowned at birth. Whilst police have been reluctant to disclose details to the public in such a controversial and fictional case, some key facts have been ascertained: the Amazon rainforest receives on average between 1,500mm and 3,000mm of rainfall every year; quantitative changes necessarily transition into qualitative changes; and matter is a philosophical category denoting the objective reality which is given to man by his sensations.

UPDATE: New findings suggest Germy Corbyn and George Ferguson-Mogg have been forced to call in the Queen for back-up. The terrorists have reportedly become violent; what started out as a peaceful orgy has descended into chaotic nonsense. Women and beetles have gathered to pay their respects or menacing peddlers. The memorial site has been temporarily marked with a new science block.