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L’oiseau chante avec ses doigts. Deux fois. Je répète.

Scribbling monkeys! In response to critics who have accused the Cameron ministry of financial autoamputation, top Cabinet ministers have allegedly been involved in discussions concerning the possibility of getting weekend jobs to help fund Cake Fridays. Kneeling before a crowd of startled clowns and assorted geese, Mr Cameron today revealed the Tories’ latest project to alleviate the plight of the wealthy. Teary-eyed, dribbling blood, he cried, ‘Behold! I teach you the sub-human.’

What a pretty voice you have!
La langue est bleu/… Bleu est la langue.

The public reaction has so far been mixed to poor: ‘Here I stand, foot in hand!’ cried one outraged reader,‘What’s this about Welshmen?’ Another astute bystander pointed out, ‘Even if a terrorist attack were to kill seven billion people, there would still be four-hundred million to re-populate the earth. Try again, freedom fighters!’ Meanwhile, a well-respected member of the petite bourgeoisie, Mr Geoffrey Ferguson, 103, soliloquized: ‘Behold Bristol’s hot air balloons, and my new blood-streaked pantaloons!’

The fire-fighters get through; the police burst into the flat. A fetid odour echoes on the walls. The furniture is arranged in a sorry parody of a cluttered attic. Beige rot has crept from ceiling to carpet, tea mould in a sordid cup. Tiny cockroaches are making love on a hundred battered bookshelves, on the legacies of a hoarder. Blattae celant sub sole mortuae. They found, under a tall, toppled speaker, the skeleton of John Bell, the broken bachelor, flesh-laced, hallowed. Insects reluctantly scuttle off from the cavity of his cranium.

According to rather more recent reports, Kellogg’s Corn-Flaiques have been voted the UK’s most bloodthirsty cereal. Further, I think I could benefit your company with my extensive knowledge of the Manx railway network. ‘The time has come,’ the Walrus is accused of saying, ‘to speak of very little.’ This has been Woman’s Hour, tune in next time for more Woman’s Hour.