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Game on!

Hey, you! Do you groan with contempt as yet another chicken breast lands on your plate?

Look at it sizzle.

Do you care about ethical food, reared without those nasty chemicals or battery cages? Do you like shooting things without getting arrested? Then you’re going to love our newest product, fresh from the fields and forests near you: game!

A partridge that I only overcooked very slightly. 

Yes, that’s right, it’s game season! What does that mean? It only means that for a minimal cost you – yes, you! – can get your paws on some healthy and, more to the point, delicious meat! Pheasant, rabbit, partridge, duck, pigeon, venison, grouse, snipe, woodcock, stacked up in mile-high mountains all over the country, waiting for you to come and gobble them up. What are you waiting for?

Don’t let the jokey tone of this article deceive you, folks; game is the real deal. For only £4, you and a lucky someone could share a pheasant tonight: all the crispiness of chicken, but with the added advantage of an actual flavour! Or why not choose a wild duck, served rare with redcurrant jelly, dripping with meaty goodness and the sweet, sweet scent of the Severn? Dee-lish!

Tired of not being able to look your meat in the eye? Then try snipe, served with 100% of its head still attached and skewered on its very own beak! And what could be more adorable than your very own partridge, one per person, dished up with game chips and that crispy watercress? But for those of you who can’t be doing with all those bones, just slice a steak off a deer and serve that little beauty with peppercorn sauce and mushrooms. Deer-lightful! Venison’s actually not cheap, though, so don’t get your hopes up.

Skewered Snipe. I’ve never had this, but I really really want to. 

But what’s my favourite game, you ask? Well, since you’re so interested, it’s the one, the only, hare! Don’t let folks tell you it’s just a big rabbit; it tastes nothing like it! Ohhh no, hare has all the hard-hitting clout of duck and venison stuffed into rodent form. Try it the traditional way, jugged, by which of course we mean stewed in its own blood.

A hare, dead. After cooking, it was very nice. 

Wait, wait, wait, guys: shooting things, isn’t that, like, cruel? No! Would you rather live a life of freedom, pecking at grubs, nibbling trees, flying and doing other animal stuff until a well-aimed shot finishes you in a jiffy, or spend your days languishing on a mangy old farm before trundling off to the slaughterhouse, a journey of some hours? It’s the grubs and trees all the way! Game is killed quicker than domestic animals after a longer and more natural life. Fun fact: eating farmed meat while claiming well-managed game is cruel is entirely hypocritical!

So come on, folks, don’t be hypocrites: buy your game today! It’s cheap, it’s wild and best of all it’s darned tasty, so waltz on down to your nearest butcher and buy yourself a brace o’ birds tonight! If the Queen eats it, so can you. Game!


 

N.B. An appreciation of game in no way requires an active participation in shooting, just as eating a lamb chop doesn’t require setting up as a hill farmer. I’ve never shot anything in my life.