A statement from the the Editor

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Following my appointment as Editor of this excellent publication, I am sorry to hear that rather unnecessary questions are being asked about my ability to adequately perform my fifteen other jobs. I would like to take this opportunity to reassure the public that inadequacy has always been at the heart of everything I do and I see no reason to change that now.

What the public needs to understand is that all of these jobs are in fact exactly the same.  They involve wandering around in a hard hat pretending that I haven’t heard people being rude to me and then making the same speech over and over again in different places: it’s called recycling and I’m sure you won’t need reminding that it was in our party manifesto. I might have opposed it at the time, but I’m the first to admit a mistake when it’s in my interests to do so!

In any case the public have a right to hear about what a great chap I am; the other newspapers have never quite understood that, so it’s a very good thing that I’m around to put the record straight.

I should also point out that suggestions that I am cashing in on years of public service are completely ridiculous because a) I never had any intention of serving the public and b) people like me don’t use cash.

I hope that my new appointment serves as a timely reminder to a certain Mrs May that I am much cleverer than she is, as well as to those silly people at The Times and The Economist who said that I’d never make it as a journalist and who refused to hire me before I became famous—boo sucks to you! I’m also looking forward to another opportunity to boss about my old fag, Nick Clegg, who apparently has occasionally appeared on page 7 of this newspaper (since he’s been out of work after getting involved in things he didn’t understand, i.e. politics). Nick, I’ve looked it up and I see that we’ve been paying you a very generous £150 an article. Just because we’re old pals I cannot make promises that we can continue with that, but I do understand that things are a bit tough in the Liberal family now that you are facing up to austerity Britain and you only have 8 MPs. Sorry about that Nick!

I also want to take this opportunity to make it clear that when I used to go on and on about the “Northern Powerhouse”. I was in fact talking about Islington—unless my newspaper’s proprietor has plans to extend the circulation of our rag beyond the M25 (in which case I’ll go back to Plan A but Evgeny, please don’t, I’m already spending more time travelling between jobs than actually doing them! And I’m definitely not going to that dreadful place Tatton ever again, whatever my agent says).

Finally, if anyone would like a high quality decorating service, then you can do no better than consider a good local family concern. Due to a change in circumstances now available on Wednesdays at noon: very reasonable prices (£13,500 daily rate). Please visit osborneandlittle.com

Finally (you see, I can even recycle endings) if Lord Bew is reading, I gather there are some vacancies on your committee for standards in public life.  When I saw that I thought, by George, that’s just the perfect job for me! Don’t be shy, Bewy old boy, just give me the nod: I’m exactly the man you need. I may have to miss one or two of the meetings, but I’m sure it won’t matter.