A eulogy to our current political situation

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The news used to be really, like excruciatingly, bad. I despaired reading it. I became confused. Dead gorillas? Lord Sugar’s American cousin becoming president? Something about lines of red? I thought they were only found in London. It was all beyond me.

No longer though. Despair has been replaced by enthusiasm. Now nothing inspires me to activity more than reading what our valiant politicians have been doing the night before, or, for many of our inspiring leaders, twenty-five years before. As I approach my day, I am filled with confidence that nothing is out of reach for me or my country.

Take our dear-old friend Boris. Apparently, he is the favourite to become our next PM, whatever that means (what does one actually do in such a role?). I also heard that he had a little, uh, just a little, uh, well, uh, what we shall call a, uh, disagreement on Friday night. Boris was relaxing with his girlfriend and, next thing you know, some wine is on the sofa! Ensue an argument, a recording, the police and newspaper frontpages. Don’t worry though, Boris fans, he is still favourite to be the next man to be negotiating with Kim Jong Un. Someone said at some point that you learn from your mistakes. Undoubtedly, Boris will have learnt much from this failure to create a détente with Miss Simmonds. Accordingly, I am sure he will have no such issues in bringing a détente with North Korea. How ridiculous that we worry that Donald and Boris don’t have the ability to de-escalate tensions!

Now, Boris is just the tip of the iceberg (are they sill big enough to use in this metaphor?). Lest us forget his rivals for the top job. RIP Michael Gove, Rory Stewart (#believeinthebin), Javid, Raab and, soon enough, Hunt. We appreciated your candour. They taught us a pertinent lesson. Previous, let us say, encounters need not define us in the present. No matter what we have done, any job, including PM (I still need an explanation of what this involves), is reachable. Oh wait, unless you’re a teacher, of course. It is ludicrous, after all, that a teacher performing in front of the huge number of thirty people could ever have redemption from drug usage. Conversely, the PM, leading a population of 66 million, representing our country to other proud nations, should have no qualms about past mistakes. Indeed, as aforementioned, a great person a really long time ago once said we learn from our mistakes. Need I mention that only our country’s leaders and not our country’s teachers have the ability to do this? No, I didn’t think so. I am relieved to see that our country is finally reaching equal opportunity, equal justice, equal social status and is removing all double-standards. About time!

I am sure you now all share my enthusiasm for our current news and political situation. Every day, and I mean every day, I learn something new about our great leaders and I rejoice. I know our future is in safe hands because, in case you hadn’t realised, Jeremy Hunt is an entrepreneur. Occasionally I ponder what it means to be PM and, despite some ambiguity surrounding what they do (please inform me!), I wonder if maybe, just maybe, I could do it if they can. I know I didn’t need the police after spilling wine (why did I clean it up?) and my nose remains unaware to the taste of cocaine (after all, it was a big sneeze) but perhaps I still have the sufficient qualifications?